Journal #18. October's insensitivity.

do you remember me? do you think you could still find that mole on my lower back with your eyes closed? could you, please? it's this time of year, it's this month, and look where i am, look at my face. i'm smiling. any other month than this, i wouldn't mind at all. i'd be pleased. i've been pleased, so happy and so clean, without you there. but here i am, back in my parent's house by myself, and it's october again. the smell of the leaves and the dying grass; listen! you can't sneak up on me anymore without that earth crunching beneath your feet. maybe that's a bad thing this time around. after all, i can't ask anything from you.
hey, you remember those songs from a couple months back? they've been on repeat and i don't know why. maybe things will get better again, but i wish you'd been quicker, or i had, or i hadn't locked myself in my own skull and refused to come out. well, we were just little kids back then, and when you tried to put that ring on my finger, it slipped right off, and i left you in the dust, didn't i? i'm sorry, it won't happen again, my knuckles are wider now, but i can't expect you to believe that. well, you can't expect me to believe in you anymore either, so i guess we're even. my hands are up, i give up. look, my gun's on the table and it's not smoking.
well, if you're still afraid of me, i understand. your friends are too, they made up their minds, but really, so did mine. they both tell us the same things these days.

"dont. look at yourself, look at what he did, your eyes are too pretty to salivate."
"look how she lied, she'll lie again, and she'll crush you with everything she owns."

well, scrub me down with bleach if that's what it takes, i won't mind. how do i prove it? do i have to dye my hair, do i have to get contacts, do we have to erase all the love between us? well, that'll never work. we've been trying for years, you couldn't even stand it the last time we touched. but i was clouded by my expectation of the future. no, not in that way, don't you dare. i didn't listen to what you were trying to say, my ears were all closed off and once again, i didn't realize your clever tricks until i was long gone and lagging. remember what you said to me? "I'll wait for you, as the cold rain falls." look at that. now i'm digging myself deeper and i'm lapping up that dirt like i owe my body every pound. but hey, i love sinking when it's with you, baby.