i can see your eyes

the smell of him is what did it. it wasn't his charm or his kindness, cause he had none of that, not which she could find at least. no, it was the soft, strong smell he threw all over her every night when she was falling asleep; it reminded her of what she left back home. she remembered the clarity of youth, how one smell could spin her coattails and march her right back into her high school love story. her new life was nothing compared to that year she spent learning how to love. but waking up next to this second-best prototype in a strange, new city was solace enough for her to keep calm and drugged up.

the scent of her new distraction over her made up for the sunday when she finally cut her losses, years ago, before she ever knew how to shut off. well now that's all she could ever do, turn off and tune out while he made up for "lost summer time." the padding of her bare feet across the linoleum at 3 am was her only way of turning back on, and she meant every step.

she was 100% the opposite of what he left back in his mom's house, and i think she knew that he'd planned it that way. she tried to be flattered, and she tried to see it from his hazel eyes, but i don't think she could, and i think she only saw it as false pretense. that's no one's fault but his, she thought, cause in all honesty she had indeed been able to leave her past completely behind. and for all of that, she was scared and brutalized by her own strength, afraid of what her emotions could abandon after so much time.

and everyday when she struggled to see inside him, he turned the lock tighter, and in a sense, she wanted to give up on him like he gave up on her. 'cause he did, he swore to her that she was just like all the others, even though she knew she wasn't, not at all. he told her every night, "you'll never be able to read my mind." he told her, he confided in her, "i will never believe a fucking word you say." in bed, he called her a harlot, a charlatan, a masochist. but she knew herself, she knew she'd keep trying until it tore her apart. and everyday his cruelty would bring her to the front door, but her feet would turn around and return to him. maybe she wanted to prove that she could stand it, she'd stay cause what if it was all a test to begin with? she'd never know, and that cut her up all over.