even i think you're blinded by conceit.

Sounds from the party shear away
into echoes. Feet stop and
take root in the sand.
It’s easy to love you now,
my mind’s stopped changing.

Boats nudge each other
like sleeping lovers
with each slight wave,
doing their slow dance
as lights across the river
melt and gutter out.

When the wind has exhausted itself
in the pre-dawn, I bury the fire, alone,
and I hear another voice gliding,
dipping its wings in the water
on its way to me.

Finishing my wine
I walk into the river,
the sound of bells in my ears,
and make my way to you.

Newcastle, 1993

three kinds of yes.

the tears have dried, the anger has intensified, the self worth magnified.

as my revolution begins.

I am unsure of my emotions.

How do you say goodbye to your father when he moves halfway across the country?

please leave me alone.

please, make this the last time.
if you leave now, do not come back.

eyes run dry.

crabtree and compost

my head is so empty; my thoughts bound and twisted. i am currently unable to detoxify my darkest parts: torture.
this lack of inspiration is eating me up, it's making it so hard to fall right. i'll break my ankles when i reach the pavement if i don't align my body the way it deserves.

work. sleep. work. sleep. drugs. sleep. alcohol. work. sleep. worry.

all i'm askin' for is some tiny honesty, i need some explanations to justify this sinking ship. i am going under, this hollowness like quicksand, rising to my rib cage. and in another four, i will not muster the strength to rise up above you as i do now. you've gotta say, "it was all just an accident." and i will fly along, i'll become the phoenix i once was, alone. years will pass and i will be safe and settled, until you make your grand entrance, with all the streamers and doves trailing behind you, but next time, that time, i will not allow you to control this court. i am now the queen of my own catastrophe. singular and steady.

my cruelty will not stand for much longer, so take me away from him while you still can. and if you cannot, then allow me to rot alone. alone, in peace.

10.17.08 - if you love, that should be enough

i am overwhelmed with desire, this ancient infatuation. i am above you, hovering like a sparrow, my song broken and strained. your presence below me (look at your eyes in the dim autumn light) captures and confounds me. i wish i could hold this position forever; my knees digging into the floor beneath me, my arms high above my head, every limb screaming "RELEASE ME."

though you failed to mention what could have saved our lies, i am not angry. guilt is foreign, however i regret her pain. i understand. whatever this may destroy, i hope you watch it burn slow and and bright, thinking, "the glow will make us whole again."

your questions are like the soft and subtle sway of blades in the wind. (the cut, the fever.) but here i am, asking to be chained down by you and all you depend on. bury me in your difficulties, i will bear the weight, wearing your flaws high like a crown. there is glory in all admittance.

now look at us, fumbling for the right words; you reply: "without you here, it would have been impossible."

flattered, i am not. where is the honesty i deserve? how do i differentiate between your code of conduct and what you proclaim as your bare bones? how i pray that you're secretly saying what i am thinking:

"always you."

your breath on my skin like sunlight, your hands like the necks of cranes: easy and understanding. aware. calculated. but this lie that you have built beneath us is deadly.

how do you plan your sieges? this war we fight, the front lines heavy and covered with every missed moment; the ghosts of what circumstance would not allow. we are two generals, angry and broken, desperately trying to fill the trenches that our hearts have created (all the holes and voids we can't seem to cover completely.)

time to recalculate, reformat: i no longer can bear the burden of this wonder. pick up or put down: a toy at your disposal. be fair, though there is rarely fairness in truth. you are a wolf in a lover's clothes.

"when we kissed, it

didn't feel poisonous.

and when you cried,

i dried off your blue

eyes. he smiles at me

as he is falling asleep,

saying, "we gotta live

the best we know how

to."