'"I'm yours alone!"' you swore. Given cause to doubt you, I think less of you, dear. But more about you."

wanna line up all my memories and pull a firing squad on all my regrets. every minute under your godforsaken covers is a minute i wasted. every minute my hands sped up or we pushed ourselves further into each other, generating all that heat between us, i wanna knock to the ground with an AK-47. like the expert i used to be, my destruction was an art form. but i abandoned my post long ago, and today, i have nothing left to give because i realize now that i will waste my time and it will be another moment i could have been fucking someone else. right? but no, because i couldn't, because i'd hang myself with my own shame and guilt, and bind my own hands with the veins of my heart. my own, my own, my own. sacrifice myself! a concept i've nursed for too long, kept so close to my breast that it feels unnatural to finally peel it away. i understand, for i am a myriad of personalities and i have a certain way of looking at you with your own eyes. more or less, i have forgotten myself beneath the layers of soil throughout this state. my foot falls and a piece of myself disintegrates there, and it becomes the dust you breathe in as you trail me. i can't even separate this between him, you, me, home. cannot order what i've written, cannot tell you whom this is written for, if you were to ask. i suppose that's what they call a gradual descent into mental abandonment. into a trap door beneath my cerebellum. fill myself up with narcotics and look at you with those dead amber eyes of mine; even in my clouded mind i see the truth rear it's ugly throat, and i am able to silently dissect you as you plan your hand's movements, deep inside the threat of my leave. it is a shame how i will forget you, how i will leave you behind. how many men have been between the day i met you and today! how many men will be between the day i leave you and the day i open my throat to choke out a legal promise to another! leave, not in the sense abandon, or break apart from, but emotionally detach from. this exterior houses such a disgrace of a woman. my ability to blind myself from the wrongs of the people i love. they all leave me in a fury, a fuss, or a fear. yet i allow them inside when they cry for my forgiveness below my third floor window, where i hid inside my childhood. i allow them back into me, for i am weak at their promise.